Nearly a month of silence, mostly due to being busy. Busy with nothing, but nothing can certainly be very busy.
I’ve been living life out here in Kitchener town. While I’ve polished my resume up and fired it off to countless offers anywhere within my range, I am still unemployed. In fact, I’m more unemployed than I was before, as I haven’t been doing farm work either. So far I’ve had one telephone interview, and I have yet to hear whether that company wishes to continue considering me as a candidate, or if my application has been marked for disposal. Luckily, this is one of the places that tells you the outcome regardless, but until they decide, you hang in limbo.
In the meantime, my health has been more or less stable with the lack of manual labour. But most days I still fight with head pain and pressure. It’s to the point where I have to weigh out the consequences of taking my pain medications; if I take pain medication for my head, I am likely to make my stomach pain terribly, feel horribly nauseous for the rest of the day, and possibly also throw up. So some days I choose to keep the headache as I’ll be more functional than if I take the medication to relieve the pain.
I haven’t been to Toronto to visit my brother and sister-in-law, but my brother was home for Canadian thanksgiving. I was treated to an evening of playing SSB: Brawl while he and Guelph brother D discussed epistemology and feminism at great lengths. Then Girevik and I made it to the Thanksgiving Day Oktoberfest Parade. Gemüchlichkeit! Prosit! Otherwise, life has been a bit boring without an income. Mostly just freaking out at all my unpaid bills and furious anger that no one is responding to my job applications. Somewhere better reply soon.
I’ve been struggling with a certain loneliness lately. My lack of parental guidance has left a big hole in my heart in a lot of ways, and I find myself somedays wishing my parents hadn’t conceived me, or that some other variation on reality were true. But in these times I try to realize that ultimately, I’m here, and unless I want to seriously maim and hurt the people around me, I’m stuck here. Sure, I could kill myself, but as I said, this would seriously fuck up the lives of so many people around me that I would rather suffer through life than hurt so many with such a selfish act. But then if life is something I’m suffering through so much, I want to figure out what I can do so there’s far less suffering. If I’m going to be here, I might as well enjoy it. So I’m struggling hard to find it, but I’m trying to learn to look within myself to find the strength to continue, the courage to get up every day, and the love to give to myself that I was denied by the messed up childhood I had. I don’t look to my parents to blame them, because I know enough of their hurtful past to know that they were denied this love too. But how deep do we want to go? How far back do we have to go before we find the asshole who was loved unconditionally and as raised in a loving and nurturing home, but grew up to have kids that did not receive the same care? How far do we dig to find the first person to initiate the abuse? Abuse gets passed down, because people have kids and don’t know any other way to raise them. People have kids and in their efforts to be everything their parent’s weren’t, they end up abusing their kids in a whole new way. And who’s to say that this mythical person who grew up without abuse ever existed to begin with?
My rambling sauntering point is that without the ability to look within to find love and support for myself, I’ll never be satisfied. No one is ever going to fill the hole left by an abusive childhood. No one can be the loving mom I need. It has been a lot of pain and hurt to come to the point where I can recognize this. But as the spiritual fox has taught me, I need to be resourceful, and I need to be able to make it on my own. The wolf was never there to guide me through my family issues, so she isn’t the one to look to. The wolf lives in family units, but the fox is solitary, occupying her own separate territory during adulthood. I moved out six years ago, I’ve been occupying my own separate territory from my mom and dad’s. So there’s no going back, and there’s no moving into someone else’s den. I can meet with others as independent adults, but I can not look for another adult to fit the role of parent.
However, I do have a few people I see as “elders.” People I regard as possessing a worldly wisdom that they have shared with me. Sometimes these elders have been supportive of me in emotional or financial ways, but what separates them from “parent” is that they are not to be relied upon. They are offering me their support as a kindness, not so I can run to them every time I’m hungry. One day, I do hope to be wise and stable enough to be such a pillar of support to someone young and intelligent. But I actually really don’t want to be a parent. That’s the difference: I can see myself offering support to a youngster, but I can’t picture myself being the one they run to with their mouths open expecting me to cram it full of food or money.
But right now, this fox is hungry, and has no momma to run to. So I got some shit to figure out, but I expect with my tenacity, I will be fat, fuzzy, and warm for winter. And then my elders can stop worrying about hiding their wallets.
Until then, it’s slim pickin’s.
Some life photos!
The property management are actually trying to sell each unit off individually. What the fuck…
Meanwhile, as they’re trying to sell this, something’s amiss in the parking lot.
What’s that? A sinkhole?
Yup. Giant fucking sinkhole.
Oh, and the entire complex didn’t have water as a result of the leaking pipes that lead to the sinkhole forming.
Management did fuck-all to help us out, so tenants from two different units teamed up and they used lawn furniture, and…
…yep, that’s Hallowe’en decoration tape. Not real caution tape. But with management not doing anything to block off the parking lot, someone might have pulled their car in, and subsequently made the sinkhole swallow it.
Yeah, this hole was about 10 feet deep. pretty messed up.
It’s mostly filled in by now.
They had a skidsteer just like Deb’s, and I totally wanted to drive it.
Oktoberfest parade! The internet famous Lion float…
…that looks like a cock and balls from behind.
Tired and thirsty horses that kept sticking their tongues out! They were really cute.
I liked the blonde horse to the far left.
This poor grey guy was really tired.
Stilt walkers! A perfect job for my ex-husband!
These cars were neat, but very smelly.
The final float, the horn of plenty.
The Oktoberfest Treasure Hunt.
Will really wants to win the treasure hunt.
Meanwhile, I’m still trying to sort out my poor computer’s issues. But I have been able to deduce that it is NOT a logic board fault, and I really do just need a new keyboard. The replacement I bought I managed to damage. So I’ll still be carrying around a full size keyboard. Ah well.
Running it without the logic board being screwed down, and the keyboard just floating. It’s fun. I also determined I can repair my flaky iPhone microphone for cheap too, once I have a fucking income. Huzzah?